Oh, you didn't think that I meant I would post that Sunday, did you?
Ha. Fooled you all, didn't I?
If it isn't already glaringly obvious, I promised a post for Sunday (yes, that Sunday) and then straight up did not deliver. And now I am trying to make up for it with feeble deceit and meek honesty. Friends?
Friends.
Well, now that those formalities have been dealt with, let us delve delve deeper into the issue at hand: I am a terrible person. Actually, let me amend that: I am terrible at being a person. That would be a wholly more accurate statement. I have absolutely no capacity for self-structure, will power, or self-esteem. And these three things make it so I am in a constant death spiral of self deprecation, boredom, and awkward social situations. This blog isn't meant to be a livejournal circa 2002, but I wanted to put down in writing these reasons for me not posting, along with not doing a whole lot of anything else.
So a week ago I talked about change. I was pumped up at the time; caught in a whirlwind of fleeting self-actualization and motivation. It passed, as it always has before. And it always leaves me feeling worse than what I was feeling before. It's consistent failing to live up to, not even who I can be, but who I used to be. And I can blame all of this on a million different things, like my genes or the fact that I was brought up to regard food as a comfort easily obtained, but ultimately it all comes down on me. It's on my shoulders that I just can't fucking deal with being a goddamned human.
I've been taking a lot of time this week to think about my situation. This whole 'century' thing is certainly not going to happen anytime soon; I'm going to need to put in a whole lot more riding, get better equipment, and become more fit before I attempt that feat. So here is my plan for the very near future: Be exercising 6 days a week, be on a regimented and nutritionally balanced diet, and ride as much as weather allows. My goal for my 5 month mark (Christmas Eve [where I see a lot of family at a big party]) is to be 185 lbs. That would mean, with very basic rounding, I would have to drop an average of over 1 lb a week for 5 months. And don't think I don't know that you are doing the maths to find out how obese I am. Because I know.
Oh, I know.
I think, I think, I may have just figured out how to do that. Whenever I have the decision to do something easy and enjoyable right now, or difficult and only enjoyed much further down the road, I will ALWAYS take the former option. Seriously, I'm like a godforsaken 4 year old. But I think I have happened upon how to change that:
I just have to constantly think about what it was and what it will be like to be thin.
I'm fully aware that may not be the healthiest mindset, you know, obsession and all. But seriously, I think that may be exactly what I need to get it through my thick skull. I want to be happy again, and I think that being thin would help me out tremendously.
WOW long post, eh? Well, I have to admit, it's good to be back writing to all two of you who may follow this blog, and all eight of you who are going through the archives as you read this. This is a very under-utilized resource; it keeps me sane and I get to flex and refine my wordsmith abilities. Getting back to the point, I was going to update ya'll on recent bicycle purchases/developments/frustrations, but I think I'm going to can it until next week. And then, I PROMISE, you will get a nice dose of pasteurized blog post by yours truly.
By the way, how fucking good is this? Seriously!
Until next week (or even sooner, if I keep it brief!) my dear friends,
M.
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